A Guide to Your Life Under Lord Sauron
by Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant
Summary: Hello to all you Middle-earthians! I am a Maia from Mordor Tours who is here to tell you how to survive under Lord Sauron's reign! Read this closely, and you should do just fine! Ignore this and... well, I wouldn't want to be you when Lord Sauron deals with you. Yes, it contains an OC. Please don't run. I've changed the rating; I was too paranoid before.


Well, my Amazing Middle-earth Vacation Spots: Mordor seemed to be liked, so I decided to continue it. Kind of. This isn't a sequel, but it is set in the same universe as my other fanfic. This is told from a Maia of Mordor Tours, an OC of mine. (I've made an OC. GASP) He's an overworked Maia who misses his old master, Melkor. He thinks he used to be Melkor's lieutenant, even though that was Sauron. He isn't that fond of Sauron, but since Sauron is his only link to Melkor (and not to mention he betrayed all the other Valar, who aren't happy)... he's staying. He doesn't have a name... because I can't think of one. There is no way I could come up with a Tolkienesque name, and what else would fit? If anyone has any ideas, please tell me. And thanks so much to OneSizeFitsAll and Lily Lindsey-Aube for reviewing my Mordor vacation fanfic! Also thanks so much to SkyKly's review for the Mordor vacation one on Deviantart! By the way, my Maia wants to know if anyone thinks he should get a raise.

Disclaimer: Own Lord of the Rings? I wish. That belongs to Tolkien, whom I can never hope to compete with. The only thing I own is my OC.

**A Guide to Your Life Under Lord Sauron**

Hello, newly oppressed citizens of Middle-earth! My name is… well, my name is actually confidential. But do know that I am a Maia who has been chosen to represent those at the newly established Mordor Tours! Anyways, I'm here to tell all of you people (or Elves. Or Dwarves. Or Hobbits. Or… well, you get the idea) what to expect under Lord Sauron's reign! I have some guide lines that should help make life under oppression enjoyable! (Or at least tolerant. Depends on your attitude) So, let's get started, shall we?

**First Things First: **As you all know, Frodo the Hobbit failed in his quest to destroy the One Ring. (He fell into the cracks of Doom… but minus the Ring. How he managed that, when he had that Ring with him at all times, I don't know) Lord Sauron reclaimed his Ring, and was able to resume a physical form. (Which was a relief, because it was disturbing to look at a giant Eye. Made me want to go back to Valinor. …Don't tell him I said that) So, he crushed the armies of the free people, destroyed that Ranger guy (What was his name?), took over the last Elven sanctuaries, blah blah blah. Being short on funds (That careless Maia Lord Sauron wouldn't know what a budget is, if it bit him on the nose) he decided to set up Mordor Tours. Maybe you've heard of it? You people need to come! It isn't _that_ expensive. (Okay, maybe it is, but maybe you could rob a bank or something? Seriously, we at Mordor Tours are getting yelled at for lack of tourists, and I don't want to die, thank you very much) …Advertisement aside, not only has Lord Sauron set up tours, he's decided all you folks (rebels and non-rebels alike) need to know what it will be like living under his rule. 'Cause he isn't going to die anytime soon, so you all might as well get used to it. This should give anyone the skills they will need to survive this new era!

**Races to Avoided: **All you Humans and Dwarves out there, do not under any circumstances befriend, shelter, aide, take pity on, or show mercy to any Hobbit or Elf. While you Humans and Dwarves are allowed to live free (Sort of. I mean, you all are still oppressed and everything, but at least you aren't slaves. I think) Hobbits and Elves are property of Lord Sauron. Why? Well, a Hobbit tried to destroy the Ring of course! And Elves… Lord Sauron's hatred for them all the way back to Melkor's time. (Speaking of which, I miss Melkor. He was nicer than Lord Sauron. No, seriously. And now he's imprisoned. T_T) If you avoid those two races, or report any that are running around free, you'll be great! Lord Sauron might even reward you for reporting! (Well, no, but you can pretend he will)

**Things That Should be Done: **This is a list I have come up with that will tell you what you can do to ensure you don't attract Lord Sauron's ire. (I had to come up with it all by myself. The other Maia ganged up on me!)

DO praise Lord Sauron at least once a day. He has spies everywhere, you know, and they are watching you…

DO report anything suspicious. That being anyone who looks like they will rebel, a Hobbit, an Elf, and a Ranger. _Especially _a Ranger. Lord Sauron hates them even more than Hobbits and Elves.

DO treat any Servant of Sauron with respect. This means that if an Orc wants to take your property and enslave your children you let them. (Sorry) It also means if an Orc wants to hunt you down and kill you for sport… you let them. And you provide a good chase. Trust me, being destroyed by an Orc is better than what Lord Sauron would to you if you refused a Servant anything.

DO pay your required (And when I say "required" I mean it. Not "suggested" as some of you cheap Dwarves seem to interpret it as)on time. No matter how outrages the cost is. And if Lord Sauron wants to raise the taxes… go along with it.

DO try to take the Mordor tour at least once. I don't care if you have to rob a neighbor or something, or raid a Dragon's horde. Just do it. If you do, Lord Sauron will look upon you more favorably (Believe it or not, he knows every individual that enters his realm)

**Things That Should Never Be Done: **I cannot stress this enough: do not attempt anything on this list or you will die. Slowly. Painfully. Because, I actually do like you people, and I don't want to see you ripped into little pieces. (And that's after all the torture)

DON'T have anything to do with the "Forbidden Races". I've already told you what they are, so we'll leave it at that.

DON'T ever insult Lord Sauron. Not even as a joke. I don't care if you think you are in the most isolated place in the world, you will be overheard and you will regret it.

DON'T ever try to antagonize a Nazgul if you see one. In fact, stay indoors. I don't think I need to say why.

DON'T get in the way of any Orcs. Unless they want to hunt you for sport. Then you have to let them.

DON'T say anything that sounds like you support the rebels. Just… don't.

DON'T try to get a discount for the Mordor Tours. Unless Lord Sauron specifically says you can have one, pay the full price.

DON'T mention Valinor or the Valar. Remember what they did to Melkor? (*sniff* Maaaaassstteeer!)

**List of Outlaws: **Since there are still some of those involved in the War of the Ring that escaped, I'll list them, so you know who to look out. Please contact us at Mordor Tours if one is sighted. And I suggest you ask for me. I'm nice. Very nice. (Right? Right?)

Lord Elrond Half-elven. No clue where that guy got to. He's a slippery one, he is.

Aragorn (_That's _his name!). Yes, that Ranger is still running around. And causing trouble.

Legolas Greenleaf. Urgh. Just… I don't want to talk about him. (He's a Mary Stu, that's what he is)

Gimli… whatever his last name was. He disappeared along with Legolas (argh!) and has never been seen since.

Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn. GAH! That freaky Elven woman is still alive?! Why?! …Lord Celeborn's alright, I guess. (Don't tell anyone I said that)

Gandalf the White. Of course he's running free. He's _Gandalf_ for cripe's sake!

And that's all! Everyone else is dead or captured!

**The Future: **I've been volunteered (More like "voluntold") by the other Maia and Lord Sauron (Yes, he's also a Maia, but he's the Head Maia. …So official sounding) to tell you people what can be expected in the future.

A long, long, loooooooooong era under Lord Sauron. Forever, if he doesn't kick the bucket. (Not that he'd ever be killed of course… *cough*)

Lots and lots of Orcses! Gollum told me I could use his line! (… he just asked about his "precious". I told him it's in the Cracks of Doom. …And I think he just ran to go leap into it. Oops)

A public execution of the rebels! Once we find them… (Ow! I just got slapped by the Head Orc! How rude! It isn't like I said we'd never find them)

The destruction of the Grey Havens so Elves can never, ever escape to Valinor! Why we didn't do that in the first place, I don't know.

And (I'm sooo excited!) Lord Sauron has plans to free Melkor from his prison! (Yaaaaaaaay! I'm going to see Master again! I hope he destroys Lord Sauron for taking his spot as Dark Lord …No one saw that. Right? Right *hums innocently*

Well, that's pretty much all folks! I hope this has been an enlightening lesson! And maybe you all feel a bit better about being oppressed! (Of course you do!) Well, I'll be back soon, to talk about some new tours we've got going on! (I think one is for the Old Forest. Barrow-wights!)

By the way, I'm a great host, right? I'm nicer than an Orc or Nazgul and the other Maia. Right? So, you all think I should get a raise. He pays me below minimum wage! How cruel! And I work harder than anyone here, you know! Lord Sauron is just jealous because I – not him, as those books led everyone to believe – was Melkor's favourite! I'm treated so unfairly. Feel sorry for me? Please? I'm about ready to swim back to Valinor Anyway, thank you, and good night! (Or is it good morning? I can't tell here in Mordor, where everything is in permanent doom and gloom)


End file.
